"Can you email my friend?" "Can you call my friend?" "Can I propose at your show?"

Voltaire
May 17, 2011

Well, I just started this ASK VOLTAIRE column and already I've been inundated in questions. However, I thought it might make sense to start with a blog entry I posted on Myspace back in 2007 because it answers 4 hot-buttton questions.

"Can you email my friend?"

"Can you call my friend?"

"Can you sign something for my friend" and last but not least....

"Can I propose to my girlfriend during your show?"

WARNING: very, very foul language ahead. You've been warned!

This monkey don't dance!!!!!

(Originally posted on Myspace in Feb. 2007)

"Can you email my friend (wish them a happy birthday, post on their wall, etc)?"

Alright people..... I've just about had enough so it's time for Mr. Voltaire to have a big old gay fit and you have no choice but to just sit there and listen (that's not really true, you can get up or hit delete or click on something else.. but you're not going to, are you???? ).

I'm going to try to make this clear... I AM A MUSICIAN.

I am NOT a f****n delivery service, I am not your f****n butler, I do not deliver messages, I'm not U.P.S. or FEDEX. So.... stop sending me messages telling me to leave a comment on your friend's board because "it would make them so happy".

If you want them to be happy buy them a God damn cake or rub their feet or just tell them they can email me their damn selves... JUST LIKE YOU DO... and I will read their messages ... JUST LIKE I READ YOURS... it's really not rocket science kids.

So why don't you just tell your friend, "Voltaire reads all of his messages, you should send him one"?

I'll tell you why.

Because it's not about your friend is it? And it's not even about me....

its about YOU. This is just your little way of having your friend go, "OOOOHHHHHh you are soooooooo coooooool! You got (insert name of minor local celebrity here) to send me a birthday message! I didn't know you guys were friends.... " etc etc...

Well, I have to tell you that I'm pretty f****n sick of it.

You and I have a dialogue. I make myself VERY available to anyone who is interested in what I do. I read all of my messages, I reply to many when I can. I post these silly little blogs, you reply, I post some more...

At shows, I am NEVER backstage. I don't know what backstage looks like. I man my own booth so that I can meet you and talk to you. I stay until the club closes so that I can get to know you, get to know the people who care about my music.

I will sign your CDs, your shirt, your pants, your boobs... whatever.

But when you start asking me to do things for people I don't know who did NOT come to my show... or ask me to message people who did NOT message me, frankly, I feel used.

I feel like you are using me to look good in the eyes of someone else.

So...... please don't do it. It's just plain old RUDE!

As of about a week ago, I have started just deleting any messages or emails from people requesting such things. It amazes me too, that some of these folks upon not getting a response, will send ANOTHER AND ANOTHER! Well, now I guess they can just read this blog and see why I am not DANCING when they ask this monkey to DANCE!

Honestly, I should just start charging. You want me to leave a one sentence message on your friend's page. No problem! You can Paypal me 5 dollars!

You want to come up to me at a show and have me call your friend and leave a message. Sure! $10 in cash. heh heh.. F**k that, better still, the next time someone asks me to do something for a friend of theirs I'm going to say, "No problem! but first, here's my neighbor's address. Bake him a cake!" ; P

And hey, while I'm already ranting... here are a few other charming examples of sh*t people pull.


"CAN YOU CALL MY FRIEND?"

As I mentioned I get this one a lot.. people walking up to me at shows holding out their cel phones saying, "call my friend!!! Talk to my friend!!! Leave my friend a message!" you know what, F**K YOUR FRIEND!!!! Did they come to the show? NO! So guess what, they're f****d just like everyone else on this planet who doesn't get what they want. When I can't make it to a Bjork show I assure you she does NOT CALL ME to tell me "sorry you couldn't make it". Grow the f**k up people. If you love your friend so bloody much BRING THEM WITH YOU!

And for the record, 9 times out of 10 when I'm asked to do this, the person on the other line is just bewildered. They're not all "Oh My God, it's Voltaire? I can't believe it! yadda yadda!" Usually they're just like, "Huh? wha?"

So congratulations you orchestrator of magic you... you've managed to create yet another sloppy, awkward dialogue between someone who's bewildered and someone who's irritated.

 

"CAN I GET AN AUTOGRAPH FOR MY FRIEND?"

Of course you can, I don't mind at all. People come up, they say their friend couldn't make it and ask if I can sign something for them. No problem. But it's a problem when they plunk down 10 napkins and want an autograph for everyone they know! "This one is for Suzy... this one is for Tom.. it's his birthday..please write "Happy Birthday Tom...For the Horde! Congratulations on getting to level 60!"... this one is for...

You're a humanitarian... I get it... but if you like these people so damn much, BUY THEM A F****N CD instead of having me sign a bloody piece of toilet paper!!!

I have items on my table that are only 5 bucks!!! 5 bucks, MAN!

If your friend is not worth 5 miserable dollars to you, why am I signing sh*t for them? lol!


"CAN I PROPOSE TO MY GIRLFRIEND DURING YOUR SHOW?"

Oooohhhh. this one got WAY out of control! Rogue from the Cruxshadows and I had a long conversation about this phenomenon. Apparently he was quite the victim of this one as well.

Once upon a time I got an email from a guy asking if he could propose to his girlfriend on stage at one of my shows. I said Okay. The day came, he came up and did the deed. It was cute, it was sweet, it was touching. Everyone loved it.

Then I got another request... and another...

Look, I get it. You want to make that moment special. You want to be in front of a huge crowd of people and be the focus of a lot of attention. I understand that more than anyone else (ahem... anyway!).. but guess what, jackass? the reason there is a huge crowd focusing a lot of attention towards the stage is because I'm DOING A F****N SHOW HERE!!!! It's taken me MANY MANY YEARS of VERY VERY hard work and much starving and sacrificing to get to a point where people give a sh*t about what I'm doing. And now you just want to saunter your fat ass onto the stage to propose to your girl.

Effective immediately, if I we haven't been close personal friends for 10 years or more, don't even ask. If you still want to give it a shot, you'd better show me a green picture of Ben Franklin before you even open up your mouth.

And if that doesn't work for you... here's some advice. Pick up a guitar and learn to play it. Write some songs. Play your local scene for no money for a couple of years. get really lucky and get signed to a label. Put together a band, put out a CD. Discover that you dont really make money from CD sales, starve for a while. Record another CD 2 years later, go on tour, starve some more. Have your marriage fall apart. Put out a 3rd CD about how your marriage fell apart. Play a bunch more shows... put out another CD. And then, when you are on your 5th release and lots of people are coming to your shows.. and you're still in the business for no reason other than because you simply refused to quit no matter how much you got the sh*t kicked out of you by life on a daily basis for 10 years....

 ...walk out on stage and propose to your f****n girlfriend!

 and when you're done, me and about 100 other people will hand you our cel phones and ask you to call some random a**holes you've never met. ; P

 Okay, I'm done. ; )


V

Comments

tour to france March 15, 2013 @05:56 am
Next to the wound, what women make best is the bandage. ~Jules Barbey dAurevilly
happyness of death June 15, 2012 @06:26 pm
awesome man, i agree with every word...why should you dance like a monkey butler....these twars make me sic
bbkb March 26, 2012 @10:24 am
toilet paper? seriously? everyone knows you use paper towels, those things are like 4x the autographs! some fans, they just don't use their heads. lol jk i never do that. i never even bring paper to concerts.
Loren March 14, 2012 @04:49 am
That was an awesome rant. I laughed way harder than I should have.
Tina Pop March 01, 2012 @12:00 am
OK, I am coming to this party rather late as I've only recently become a fan. I've seen your three Melbourne shows and have to admit that one of the reasons I have become a fan is because of your wonderful graciousness of accessibility. I know of few other artists as willing to engage with their fans both on line and face to face as you do. Your intelligence, wit, and friendliness is so very endearing. Your fans feel like they know you, and they love you for that. Unfortunately I think with many people that means boundaries are blurred and they feel that you must therefore know them too, that somehow you are their friend and they ask you for stupid things, things that are disrespectful to an artist but would be quite acceptable between close friends. I know how embarrassed I was in Melbourne when you were kindly signing everything & anything for people (including one girl's shoe, which made me laugh) and yet that dumb-ass techno jerk pushed in, wanted not only your photo but then went on to push behind you, into a plate glass window, to get a photo with the other guys on the merch stand. I was ashamed that such a jerk would treat a person, who had travelled so far to entertain us, on a trip that I would have thought bearly financially viable given the size of Melbourne audiences, having worked so hard to be accessible to people & then gets treated in that way. I've been looking for a way to apologise on behalf of my city so please accept this as that apology. However I digress. I thought you might be interested in an experience I had just after your Melbourne show which might highlight how the line of fandom & friendship can become blurred. Working on the fringes of the entertainment industry as an events manager I am lucky to meet well known people through my job. I am not the sort to get star struck & really do make an effort to show proper respect for the artists i meet. The night after your show I dreamed that I was going to host a dinner party for you at my home. I had the guest list planned, including one of the band who supported you in Melb so there would be a familiar face. I wondered if you would have your family with you or if I would need to consider including any of your retinue (I don't even know if yu have a retinue). I had the cocktails planned, using Captain Morgan's spiced rum as a base. I had the decor planned. Two mornings later I was driving to work & thought "God, I wonder if there are any dietary requirements I need to consider. I'd better check before settling on the menu". Only then did I realise that it was a dream and you were not actually coming over for dinner. See in my mind, although I am fully aware that you are a musician and artist, albeit a very approachable one, and that I am the fan, a consumer of your product if you will, I still fell into the trap,although initially subconsciously, of accepting you into my social circle. This is both the joy and the downfall of your public persona. So in closing let me say thank-you for the work you have put in. Thank-you so much for being so generous with your time & your self. We, your fans, do appreciate it, and i am sorry that not every-one shows you the respect you are due. Oh, and btw, next time you're in Melbourne do feel free to invite yourself over for dinner. I have everything planned ready to go - just let me know of any dietary requirments you may have. And if you need me to bake a cake for your neighbour just give me a little extra notice and I can have that ready for you when you get there. :) Thanks Voltaire. You have brought much joy to my life over the last 12 months or so. TxxxPxx
Jkar February 06, 2012 @06:28 pm
You know, while I never considered asking something of any musician, now I am seriously considering asking you to call some acquaintance of mine simply to be given the address of your neighbour so that I can bake him a cake. The idea is bizzarre enough to be appealing. Tempting, even. I'd love to see the look on his face upon receiving a cake from a random stranger...
TiffanyMorgan December 16, 2011 @03:49 pm
haha you gotta love Voltaire. He truly is an amazing person with great talent. :D
Jesse October 17, 2011 @01:38 pm
Okay. That was awesome!
Jesse October 17, 2011 @01:37 pm
Okay. That was awesome!
Martin Wood October 15, 2011 @11:33 pm
email me 2 cause ue AWSOME
Martin Wood October 15, 2011 @11:30 pm
i love your music so much on aqw friday the 13th i beat your entire thing in 1 hour then stay the rest of the time just 2 listen 2 the mucis i still have the key as a drop to this day (would u ever let me play 4 u)
Christina October 02, 2011 @02:27 pm
I agree , love your ranting btw you make funnies :p but so efing true what you say. Just want you to know that I see you as another human being and I appreciate that you share yourself with many . It shows that you have a big heart.Thank you and thank you for sharing your tallent and your opinions.
kingofcats September 08, 2011 @09:22 pm
righteous!
Lidia September 05, 2011 @08:05 am
I've read this over and over and I agree with you. Bu still I want to ask something in a kind of form. My boyfriend is turning 18 next on 22 april. I dont want a comment on Facebook, I think that is actually lame... An autograph would be nice, but I have sadly never been to your concerts or such. Like you said, you dont come very often in Europe. If you do,,I would say, choose The Netherlands :) If you do, we would be very happy. He is a very big fan of you like I am. Maybe you would like his poems? http://kraaibrief.deviantart.com/gallery/ He sings your songs, and in my opinion he sounds a bit like you.. We would give up everything just to go to one of your concerts. I want to give him something special around his 18th birthday. And you came across my mind. Is there something you are willing to do for him. I would ask if you could come over here in the Netherlands but I think that is too much. I could give him a cd or a toy, but meeting you in real life is a WOW. I would pay you,, just name a prize,even bake a cake for your neighbour,,my mom is actually baker, specialized in cakes and cookies. Maybe you have an idea what I can do? I know its stupid to ask something. But I just want to surprise him. If you are getting mad at this, I understand,,I would be even glad if you were are going to rant to me or reply something foul. I dont mind. I have completed my goal. I messaged you,, I have tried... Sir, have a good day and keep up the wonderful work. Till in another world..
Paul September 05, 2011 @07:46 am
ARGH sooo tempted to criticise bitchy whinging...... but respect .... aww fuck it im just gonna say this as i would to anyone else. i know you must get a shit load of requests but remember to each individual they are just asking one thing so dont act like they're assholes or bad people. it's the price of being (sort of) famous and if you think ur life's hard more than happy to swap mate :)
Sara August 29, 2011 @06:05 pm
i agree with Lauren, exept it was my 17th birthday... a friend posted the "happy birthday" link on my facebook and i just loved it! i didn't know you a month ago and now i'm just addicted to your music and your stile. you're just amazing. just a question... are u gonna play again in AQ Worlds next friday 13th? ;)
Lauren Moses August 19, 2011 @08:15 am
Round of applause for Voltaire! I was laughing the whole way through reading, rants are amazing. On the morning my 18th Birthday I had a friend send the link of your "Happy Birthday" song. Made my day! I'll definitely be visiting your shows to be able to get your autograph myself (and a photo if I'm lucky) and not get someone to do it for me! On a more serious level completely agree on all levels with you Voltaire.
icieWind August 18, 2011 @11:06 am
it's really difficult be a star. and i know it must be exausted put up with some fan's. people usally do this because Voltaire really anser's the e-mail, very kindly. so they start asking silly things. i mean, come on, Voltaire's really busy with his projects and still pay atention to us. i understand, he need's peace his not some kind of puppet or radio that has to sing or perform just because some wierd fans want's. hang in there Voltaire.
Taira July 30, 2011 @05:55 am
I read everything, and I can totally relate. Still.. to ease the anger and sickness, I just want to say this: I AM NOT A FAN, I'M A HUMAN BEING! and besides, I'm too old to be a "fangirl".(it's just not my style to sqweal and sqweek and "OMG!") Like you said, you are a musician - however, as I see it, you're also a human being. My point is, I intend some serious co-work- that's why I should be asking for your cellnumber--however, I WOULD NOT do it - simply out of respect for your personal and private space. Looking forward to your responce, Cheers, Taita
TheBard June 16, 2011 @06:59 pm
This only make me like Voltaire more.
deatchomes2x June 11, 2011 @09:32 am
o-o talk about a major ranting that is kinda funny and also making me go wtf is with people sometimes but either way, your just plain out epic and try not to starve yourself to much, your to awesome to starve yourself
VOLTAIRE June 10, 2011 @10:33 pm
Angela, NO! NO! NO! GOD NO! Pirating is NEVER a solution!!! I'm not saying that one makes no money from CDs sales. What I'm saying is that when one is on a label, you end up seeing very little of the profit from CD sales. I'm no longer on a label so (A) I get no cash advances to make a record with. I have to pay for it ALL myself out of my pocket and (B) I now see ALL of the profit from record sales. However, since many people choose to download illegally, that amount is severely compromised. Now more than ever it's so important that people pay for CDs, because it costs me upwards of $20,000 to make a record so if NO ONE pays for them, I can't really go on making them and that would be very very sad! So please, don't ever think that pirating helps the artist in any way. I assure you it doesn't. Ask yourself this. Do YOU work for free? Do you WANT to work for free? Can you pay your rent and buy food if no one pays you for your work? ME EITHER! ; ) Voltaire
Angela June 10, 2011 @09:38 pm
So if you're not making money from CD sales, should I stop trying to support you and start pirating? :P I understand the signing thing, but all the others, I wouldn't have thought people do. At least not so often that you need to rant about it. lol.
Alexial Angel June 10, 2011 @12:50 pm
Lol.. I know what you mean. I draw anime and I have people all the time asking me for free prints for their friend's birthday, or wedding or whatever, and I'm like people I take alot of time to do my art and I'm not giving it away. People need to realize that the world doesn't revolve around them?
Lucky Black Cat June 09, 2011 @05:49 pm
Damn...the wrath of Voltaire. o_o' But I do not blame you about all these things. ~_~ They do seem bothersome.
James Thomas Duffy June 04, 2011 @07:48 am
YOU TELL 'Em Voltaire! on an off note if you could just.... ONLY KIDDING! I would like to say how epic you are. I own EVERY song you made I LOVE every song as well. You are just made of pure WIN :D
Ola May 28, 2011 @05:05 pm
I've NEVER thought of how annoying those questions are.
Erika May 28, 2011 @02:10 am
You'll sign boobs?... I probably missed the point of this post... Thanks for putting up with the bullshit, however, in order that a few of us might ask questions. You've made it really big, and it's nice of you to do such things.
Amanda May 27, 2011 @09:35 pm
@T. Mellander Like.
ANAKIE May 19, 2011 @10:04 pm
i know the feeling the band e mail gets flooded we get on averige 340 messages a DAY i ticks me off i read them but when the words can you and freind come in to play i just delete it ever since one the fans reqested that we play live during his "first" i was like o_0 NOPE
Matthew Hocking May 19, 2011 @04:34 am
Aren't people fun? XDDD But hey, some of them would actually be stupid enough to pay you to do these inane things. If it works, it works! I just think... okay, you've gone to Voltaire's show and your friend hasn't. Excellent. Why not use this opportunity to hang it over his head that he never got to hear the man live or speak to the man afterwards, rather than piss off the man himself in order to get your friend that satisfaction? XD
Aldighieri May 18, 2011 @11:05 pm
People don't realize that artists spend every moment of their free time doing stuff. If fans are big enough fans, then they will support their artists, not try to make their artists support them.
Eris May 18, 2011 @06:00 pm
So... or you come to Chile someday or I will never have your autograph =( make it happen!
Yunes May 17, 2011 @06:09 pm
Haha i love this guy!Show em whos boss volt!
Mooney May 17, 2011 @12:05 pm
Applause, APPLAUSE! I wish all musicians actually did this kind of thing. So many idiotic fans appear out of nowhere and ask ridiculous questions for every band I goddamn know. Excellent work, Sir.
Auryn Grigori May 17, 2011 @12:03 pm
I remember reading this and laughing thinking, so true, so true. Let me ask you, if a friend ask you, as the biggest favor ever, to them, to get *x celebrity they like* to call them, and then they do the whole space cadet act when they have that celebrity on the phone, how hard of an object can you smack them with.
Kimberly Cervantes May 17, 2011 @11:59 am
I've never had the pleasure of attending one of your shows. That being said, I remember attending a show Sam Butera did at the Tropicana Hotel here in Las Vegas many years ago. The show was great fun and he was selling his CD's after the show. I had so much fun, I bought one. I still remember he and I sitting on the stage talking (I worked with his son) while he autographed it. Sam once played with Louis Prima and did much of that old music (Just a Gigolo.) Why am I telling you this? Because I still remember it as one of the best shows I have ever attended (and it was not only free, it was music I never listened to much but enjoyed thoroughly because Sam truly played to the audience) Taking the time to meet your fans is appreciated. I was not aware you did this as well. Hope to see one of your shows in the future. My daughter is a fan of yours and I am trying to educate her on fan etiquette? Is that a word? So she never does these things in the above rants. She is allowed to post, but has to be polite and respectful. Good luck with your music and film making! Maybe we'll see Chi-Chian up there on the big screen soon?
Keith May 17, 2011 @10:12 am
Tyler, do you *really* want to push Voltaire's buttons like that while he's got something sharp *on your face*? Think it through, man.
dustfull May 17, 2011 @09:02 am
I wanted to ask about your musician-life story, but you've just covered it in a rant! ... I love you so much ><
Rachelle May 17, 2011 @08:26 am
Ok i know you get this ALOT from people asking you calling or email there friends but i have only one request i dont know if my other friend rosita is having the trip to Knotts for sure on 5/21/11 so um may i ask you if you can send my friend Amie a happy birthday email if i dont make it to her party please ill send it to her on facebook Mr.Voltaire thank you so much for listening my request ik its tedious and on going about all this but i really do appreciated your work films musics and more sir Sincerly, Rachelle<3
Saskia May 17, 2011 @06:32 am
This was interesting to read. I really understand your frustration. The best thing to do when it's your friend's birthday is to send them 'Happy Birthday (My olde friend)! If they have a sense of humour, that is. ;) I have a question too, I wanted to ask you on your Oslo show, but I didn't get to it. Why is it that 'What is goth?' is not reprinted anymore? I've looked for it online, but either they're too expensive or they're scams, which really is too bad.
sinned May 17, 2011 @06:08 am
what is interesting about this....is that basically you do post to all my friends on their birthday..... you wrote a goddamn HAPPY BIRTHDAY SONG....and you sing it to all my friends.... thank you...... maybe you should write a "shoutout" song and just drop as many name into 3 minutes as possible.....and anytime someone wants you to post or call their friend just shoot them a link to the song.... and then charge them 5 bucks.....
Nil May 17, 2011 @06:05 am
I missed the chance to post my question, but I hope it is not too late. As a professional musician, how do you bake a turkey? :O Kidding aside, great rant. You have more patience than I, no doubt. I'd have already done something brash like punting someone off stage while they proposed. Either way, me and my roll of toilet paper are looking to forward to see you in London. I got names on each square for each of my friends already prepared!
Bettilou May 17, 2011 @05:31 am
Even worse. I played the first Single Mother for ZEN and I had some guy ask if he could propose to his lady on my boobs! Really?! You romantic you
Vixen May 17, 2011 @05:15 am
You called me once on my birthday though. You sang Happy Birthday.. I still remember. ;)
Shellintons May 17, 2011 @05:10 am
Brilliant! Absolutely spot on! Thanks for sharing your music, it saved my sanity on more than one occasion. Glad you didn't give up. :)
Mike May 17, 2011 @05:10 am
Oh gawd..That is so damn annoying..I understand. If I was a singer or something else i would do exactly what you wrote here..Not do a damn shit but say''Bring him/her to the show so we can talk face to face..Not through YOU''..
Tyler Mellander May 17, 2011 @04:56 am
Can you call my girlfriend and propose to her for me while you sign my face?

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