I just died a little tonight....

Voltaire
March 11, 2011

I went to the movies tonight to see Adjustment Bureau.. which was fine by the way.  But something happened during the previews that made me sick in that way you get when you lose so profoundly that your stomach feels like it drops into your knees.


This is what happened...


We were watching previews when suddenly they decided to show a little behind-the-scenes piece for the upcoming film "Sucker Punch".  Now, I should point out that when I first saw the trailer for that film I remember thinking, "Oh my God! That looks and feels so much the way I imagine the Chi-Chian feature film looking!"  And I probably had a little moment then too.. the kind of moment you have when you feel you are blue in the face trying to convince people of something (you know, something along the lines of  "Chi-Chian would make for a great live action feature film"  and "I don't know what you mean, I think it TOTALLY Works with a female protagonist" and "No, I don't think it's too much... I think the fact that there are giant insects and giant samurai robots and zombies and mecha all over the place just makes it that much more awesome!"  and "It's SUPPOSED to be tongue in cheek! I don't agree with you that it has to be 100% serious in order for it to work!"  and  "Have you NEVER seen Hell Boy?"  and "OH JUST FUCKIN' FORGET IT!"  and "Hello? Hello?.... are you still on the line?" )


...in any case, I looked forward to seeing Sucker Punch.  I thought that MAYBE after it was released and if it did well, I just might have an easier time pitching the Chi-chian film and having Hollywood execs actually be able to understand what I was saying...


and then the moment came.... they revealed something I didn't previously know about the film....apparently the lead in Sucker Punch is EMILY BROWNING!!!!

I felt completely punched in the stomach.  I actually screamed when I saw her name.  (well, it was more like a primordial death groan)  Why, you ask?


Well, for those of you who don't know who she is, she was the female lead in A Series of Unfortunate Events. More recently she was in a horror film called The Uninvited.   My comic book series, Chi-chian has been optioned to be developed into a live action feature twice.  The first time, there was no one in Hollywood (save Bai Ling perhaps) that I could imagine playing Chi-chian.  It was a moot point anyway, since after three years, that option went no where and a film was never made.  When I got the rights back, I naively thought that maybe I could pitch it myself.  I was wrong.  But something cool did happen in that time.  I saw Emily Browning on the big screen for the first time and I fell in love with her (in the artistic sense, of course).  I had finally found the one actor in Hollywood that I could see as my baby, Chi-chian.  Except, that everyone I told just looked at me blankly.  They either didn't know who she was or just flat out disagreed.  I naively emailed her management and told them that I had a graphic novel that had been optioned to be developed into a live action feature and that I felt she would be perfect for her.  She had not yet starred in a film, certainly not an action film, and I expressed that it could be a great vehicle for her.


.... I got no response, of course.  That should come as no surprise, I supposed since I'm neither a big Hollywood agent nor am I repped by one and if I've learned ANYTHING about Hollywood it's that agents only talk to other agents.  But it was sad to me nonetheless that they didn't reply.


Two years ago or so, Chi-Chian got optioned AGAIN to be developed into a live action feature film.  I thought that at least this time, I had a production company behind me that could make that connection with her management.  But seeing as in 12 months of them holding the option, they called me exactly ONE TIME, I'm pretty sure that all of my emails saying "EMILY BROWNING WOULD BE PERFECT TO PLAY CHI-CHIAN" elicited nothing more than a raised eyebrow before getting deleted.


I really feel like I've been the crazy, local drunk screaming and yelling at the top of my lungs into the wind about something no one ever could see or could believe..... usually it's something like "Aliens are coming!"  In this case it was that Emily Browning could be a GREAT female lead in an action/sci fi film... namely one about Chi-chian.


Well, I guess now she is. It just isn't in my film.  


I guess I should tip my hat to the creators of Sucker Punch for having vision and to director Zack Snyder for getting to work with her on an amazing show that I'm sure will be awesome.

But that isn't going to stop me for feeling like a schmuck for lacking the Hollywood connections to get things done.


And that's what rum is for, my friends. Now I go swim in some.

 

V

 

(Chi-Chian, Emily Browning and Sucker Punch Poster)

 

AMENDED:

 

On another note, I should really make a little visual essay of all of the things film executives have told me were "stupid" about Chi-chian's world or "would never work" that ended up being key elements in major Hollywood films!  Immediately coming to mind are the GIANT WORM TRAIN in Men in Black 2, the army of Anubis warriors in The Mummy Returns, the flying cars that dock directly into the apartments in skyscrapers in some Tom Cruise movie... there are a dozen more.

Comments

TiffanyMorgan December 16, 2011 @04:00 pm
That's so disappointing, you would've made a great film. DAMNIT HOLLYWOOD!!!
Carlos G. Munoz November 01, 2011 @11:12 pm
I just bought "Riding a Black Unicorn" on itunes... it's awesome! Love your music, I declare myself your first fan from Colombia!
kog September 21, 2011 @06:58 am
Emily Browning is amazing XD
Juan in STL April 29, 2011 @03:28 am
Heh. So I'm not the only one who "suckered" for Browning in Lemony. Who knows, she might be available, since Sucker Punch didn't do that well. (I have no idea how you can market a movie like that without explaining that the plot is entirely linear and involves psychological "dissociation revenge fantasies.") You're right; she could certainly play Chi, but then, she could probably play pretty much anything within her age range. If you ever DO get that deal done, I promise you at least two guaranteed ticket sales, as I'll see it twice.
Orkidos April 08, 2011 @01:16 am
Yes! She would be perfect for Chi Chian, but NO! Hollywood would ruin the whole Chi Chian plot. I think I share felling about Hollywood with Caleb. Move independently. :) Hollywood version of Chi Chian would be: A blonde Chi Chian... or with blue eyes at least. A worm train that looks more like an intestine train. A Dark Guard of beautiful muscled and sexy zombie like insects. And most likely sebastian will be removed or drastically modified. I definitely go and see it anyway. But I do hope you get a good company to back you up fully with the whole concept of it.
Kev April 05, 2011 @05:37 am
Having just seen Sucker Punch, I have to say that Emily Browning's talent was wasted on that piece of tripe. Chi-chian would have been a much better vehicle for her.
Caleb April 01, 2011 @09:45 pm
I'm gonna keep this simple. This is EXACTLY why I hate Hollywood.
addy March 28, 2011 @03:22 pm
omg they totally look alike. my brother is probobably your biggest fan and told me all about you that is why i love the idea of people being able to see one of your movies and Emily Browning looks so much like your comic book character. Consider this...Make Deady into a full length movie!!!
Adrianna March 27, 2011 @01:10 pm
Honestly, I would've yelled in the movie theatre if I'd been through all that and then saw my "star" actor on the big screen in front of me. You really deserve better treatment and so do your ideas. You are a brilliant man who is more creative than all those other hollywood fucks. :D Please have a great day and just keep shooting for that star Chi-Chan that you're looking for.
jerry March 21, 2011 @10:01 pm
Hey man, best of luck to you with that movie. I hope it's as good as your music is and with I must say keep up the good work.
Alan Hill (aka CrookedMan) March 20, 2011 @11:43 pm
I know EXACTLY how you feel! I have penned a novella, as yet unpublished, that possesses a specific detail that is integral to the overall plot and sequence of events. This event is when the initial protagonist, an angel coming to Earth, gets frustrated with the state of humanity and angrily throws his halo to the ground, thus shattering it. I was utterly infuriated when I saw the new Axe commercial (linked below) in which angels cast off their halos to "fall" for the guy who uses their product. I couldn't believe my eyes! Right then, I was not only speechless and irate, I was crushed because now my art has been reduced to bad commercial for a crappy product that is advertised by a team of misogynists. I feel your pain. Pass the bottle, matey. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Au-fA1fz-WE
Stacy Klug March 20, 2011 @01:26 am
Aww. That's life for you. I hope you can find that perfect Chi-Chian and get it into a full movie someday. I would love to see it. Be sure to get one of those floaty chairs so you can lounge while drowning your sorrows.
Luthiem March 17, 2011 @02:56 am
"Drink and the devil had done for the rest Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.!!!!!" One thing I have notice as Illustrator is that no one wants to ship in in crazy projects with new ideas that are "too radical", "too weird". "will never work" or even "no one will like it" and then the next day a new movie comes out that features all of those "weird" ideas and its a huge success.... I recommend keeping a baseball bat around too for those that dare to come and say "Oh, well you were just taking the ideas from the movie" when you have had them for ever but.. well, lack the "Hollywood" contacts... O_O
Miss Diamond March 15, 2011 @05:06 pm
It does seem that when people try to describe something awesone it often comes out as crazy rambling such as the time I tried to convince my friend that Josh Hutcherson would be the perfect Light Yagami in a live-action Death Note remake. She looked at me as if I had just proclaimed that I came from Mars. I don't think she knew who Josh Hutcherson is. More on topic though, there are so many amazing ideas that have no chance to flourish in the world and yet it often seems that something very similar can easily steal the lime-light. The world is fickle and hypocritical.
The Baron of Moon March 15, 2011 @03:04 am
My dear Voltaire, if one might say so - you are but an egg preparing to unleash a work of such surpreme nature the world has to prepare. Hollywood is a pussy, it is not one to be entirely happy with change. It may never be. Alas! All the same, I have optimism, something I may indeed have very rarely, that this shall happen. As with all your projects, I'm certain you shall keep commandeering, shoving the blighter forward until it reaches the enormous warehouses of a movie studio. Buck up, Mr. Voltaire. This idea is yours now. Your actress you may not have, but you have an idea. Name me six Hollywood agents that actually have that right now.
Anakie March 14, 2011 @06:36 pm
hay im realy in to that kind of film if you interested i was thinking and talked through TGH's manager (steve) i was thinking of doing a colabaraiton of boath our works if you wanna see my new works go to www.icecreamatthesky.com serious go there leve a coment or just flip you know my E mail consider my offer to chill with a stack of teens and a meloncolly little kid doing some stop go
Mona B. March 14, 2011 @05:26 pm
Voltaire... You are a genius creatively, and sooner or later a lot more execs will take notice; but until then I agree with Sian and Adam Carranco. Hell I'd love to help if I could too, but alas I'm stuck in Cincinnati... Good luck!!! :)
Denise Noell March 13, 2011 @06:27 pm
Hey Rock Star, it's me the Mom from Flint MI sorry about your turned away disappointment any one who knows your work should follow your advice as I think you are brilliant!!! Keep on trying someone will realize sooner or later!
dustfull March 13, 2011 @11:42 am
:( That stings... I hope you get around to making your live action Chi-Chian, regardless of who it's with; Hollywood or not. If it's your baby, and you have as much control of the film as you realistically can, then it will be a high quality, epic film, as all your stop-motions are. I wish you the best of luck with this, and I really really hope this dream becomes reality! See you in April :)
Scoot March 12, 2011 @08:41 pm
Next time you're in or around Los Angeles you need to walk into a top-rated studio walk straight up to the "big guy" put your script on his desk tell him you are Aurelio Voltaire Hernandez you have followers around the world and this is my idea for a movie and walk out
Corey March 12, 2011 @07:38 pm
Hey Volty, I think you should look into maybe trying to get someone like Lucy Lawless or Bai Ling to do your movie. I think you should produce and direct it yourself and, see it you can release it independently. Now that would be sticking it to those hollywood losers.
Bri March 12, 2011 @07:01 pm
Hollywood is just snobs who are too foolish to see the genius in your work.You defiantly deserve to get "Chi-Chian" as a movie. Just don't give up!
Mina-Chan March 12, 2011 @04:29 pm
Feh...you don't need her, Volty! I'm sure there are lots more actresses that are better choices to play Chi-Chian, ones that are more..."accessible," so to say! I >_< But if you think Browning is THE ONE to play Chi, then I send you positive hopes that her agents'll get back with you. :D
Village Idiot March 12, 2011 @03:33 pm
They are watching you man!!! Stealing your creativity and tweaking it just enough to avoid a lawsuite. But here is an idea: let your fans make their own rendition of the comic novel and let it go viral on YouTube. Then Hollywood calls you! But i would continue wading in the Rum Pool and enjoying that which is Voltaire.
Sian March 12, 2011 @02:28 pm
Sounds like you could stand to become friends with the likes of Zack Snyder, Kevin Smith, Robert Rodriguez, Quentin Tarantino and Simon Pegg. The first four have worked within the bounds of Hollywierd and outside of them too, proving that not only they can be brilliant either way, but that Hollywierd's way isn't the only way. And of course, the last one is a Brit who does rather well over here, and so has some additional connections as well as the experience initially being the outsider. Secondly, rather than feeling sorry for yourself that you haven't FULLY been listened to yet, you could think of yourself as the prophet Elijah, who stood on the street corners and tried to get people to listen to him about impending doom. You said Emily Browning would be great in this sort of role, and it looks like somewhere someone might have listened. Vindication my friend, tastes much better with the rum than disappointment. Thirdly.....Just because she's in Sucker Punch doesn't mean she couldn't also be in your flick too. If there were a rule somewhere that people couldn't be in the same kinds of movies more than once people like Ronald Regan, Sandra Bullock, Hugh Grant, Gerard Butler and....well, the list goes for miles and basically, we'd never have big, big movie star actors. So make Chi-Chian come to live action, and like Sinatra do it your way. Then take it to places like Sundance, Toronto, Austin and Tribecca, DragonCon, GenCon, World Con and maybe even San Diego Comic Con so you can thumb your nose at the Hollywierd Elite to their faces. Start a word of mouth campaign and we, your loyal legions will drag our friends away from their computing machines and spaceypages to support your labour of love. PS, have you ever thought about movie making in The UK? They don't use the exact Hollywood model, but still often have the connections to get American actors into their pics. Just a thought. Or twelve....
Jeuelle March 12, 2011 @01:58 pm
Awww I wish I could think of something to say that will make you feel better. "hugs" Back when I was a story teller, people would tell me that I should my stories down. I didn't take them too seriously, because I knew I wouldn't be taken seriously. I think its awesome that you have the guts to do something creative with your ideas. We fans certainly appreciate it. "hugs again"
Adam Carranco March 12, 2011 @01:56 pm
Voltaire... you have millions of fans that would work for free. i mean you could even abduct cinema production students, with the promise of extra credit.
Heather March 12, 2011 @01:06 pm
You should totally start patenting your ideas. Hugs. Feel better. You have a brilliant mind, and things will come through for you the way they should in the end.
Sandy March 12, 2011 @11:01 am
Dear smart as hell, creative and other-worldly Voltaire! "They" have a lot to learn about what would make good 'screen'! I hope yo will use that wonderful super power you have of illustrating the weird and seduce them into doing your will. ^..^ Love you man! -Sandy
Adrienne O. March 12, 2011 @10:53 am
Never give up!
Jen March 12, 2011 @10:52 am
Hmmm, it's rather unfortunate that the perfect Chi-Chian would be a very up-and-coming Hollywood starlet, but maybe it's a sign that Hollywood execs should not have your baby in their hands. At least someone 'got' it when you mentioned that she would be perfect for a lead in a movie like this. If one must find a bright side to the whole situation, it means you're not a nutjob (well, perhaps you are, but this would mean there is someone out there with the same level of nutjob as you). Maybe this means you are meant to discover someone, that she really is not as perfect as you think she is for it, and that you will be giving someone else a shot at an acting career if you decide to pursue the project on your own. I'm sure most of your fans would agree that this should not deter you from making a live action Chi-Chian film. Take it as a sign that this is meant for more than Hollywood. And run with it! On a side note, if someone cast her in the lead role of Sucker Punch based on your email... you have every right to seethe. Just one up all of this... You're Voltaire, you can do it!
Shaun March 12, 2011 @10:04 am
voltaire sometimes people in hollywood can be real dickheads i hope this becomes a movie someday for real
Denise March 12, 2011 @09:50 am
That's Hollywood! From what I have heard from a friend, no one is your friend out there and any if thing you tell them, they don't always use for your interests, but for themselves. It's dirty, dirty business out there. Good luck thou for your future endeavours.
BloodLess March 12, 2011 @09:32 am
Damn. Hate things like this... :( But hey, you sure can be sad, I'll be too... But please, don't give up V !! You're truly amazing, Just as your work, so keep your head up. Remember all thoses awesome bad-ass things you already done !! This isn't finish, and there's still hope ! :) We love you V ! xxx
Steve March 12, 2011 @09:12 am
People with money, especially in Hollywood, always seem do be douches. Don't be discouraged and don't give up on the indie route. Do you have a director in mind? I think that there are enough fans and friends of your to find a signing that Emily is at and all of us to show up with pictures of Chi-Chian and begging her to do it. lol. I also want to throw out there that we all want the Chi-Chian grafic novel, and personally would send my check now if it would result in the book being put together. And also, for that matter, we all would probably financially support you in making the movie on your own, we would send money to help and offer our time to help you if you needed it. We love you, love what you do and think that this movie would be awesome.
Sandra March 12, 2011 @08:34 am
Hell-o, I am not knowing much about movie making,but have you tried making your movie in Japan, as you are feeling as if it is your second home.Perhaps the US "Movie Moguls" are too very "Big for their britches" and so if you are hopefully having a great success with out them someplace else they would be sorry for missing it and then be "Grovelling at Your feet" there after :):):):)? Perhaps your other Good and famous friends, such as have helped you in the past with your short films could be helping you hands on or for financial backing etc.? I hope Very Much that things will be coming together soon for this project to be realized for all of us to enjoy :):):):)P.S. perhaps you could even be having a fan based fund raiser for "Seed Money"or "pre sale" some how like you do for your CD's? Anything is possible when you think "Out of the Box" :)
Count Jason March 12, 2011 @08:12 am
"But that isn't going to stop me for feeling like a schmuck for lacking the Hollywood connections to get things done." Seriously, you do so much and with your hand in so many cookie jars, this is just a minor set-back in the grand scheme of things. You are allowed to feel bad (because I can empathize with your situation) but those connections will come along eventually. After all, didn't your last short film win like a million awards at film festivals...it'll happen. *smack* snap out of it brother - LOL ^_~
Linda March 12, 2011 @06:42 am
Yeah, it's a shame when it's more about the connections and not the creative genius. I was really excited when I heard about a Chi-Chian film! I think it could be really amazing fleshed out in the right way. It's great that you won't do it unless it's just as you envisioned it. Keep your head up. You never know what will happen ;)
Matthew Hocking March 12, 2011 @04:41 am
...O_O.... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, WHOA. Sorry to be off-topic but this MUST be asked. I just listened carefully to your song 'Dead' in Ooky Spooky. Did I just hear a George Carlin reference? Did I? Because if I did I may have to pledge my undying loyalty to you. Just saying.
Katie Phelps March 12, 2011 @02:49 am
At first I really didn't want to see Sucker Punch because the first trailor I saw really seemed to suck. But while my friend and I were sitting in the movie theater waiting for "The Rite" to start a preview and behind the scenes clip was shown of "Sucker Punch" and I'm glad I'm not the only one who helps it does well and opens up venues for neater movies with story lines that are crazy and artistic since there really hasn't been one like it since "What Dreams May Come".
Melme March 12, 2011 @02:37 am
Would you like a hug?
Digital Enigma March 12, 2011 @02:13 am
I can't even go see Sucker Punch. The movie starts where she's taken to a psych ward and I have many issues with psych wards ^_^
TashaG March 12, 2011 @02:03 am
Perhaps SuckerPunch will do well in the box office. If so, then it will be a proven formula that brings in people. That's when the Hollywood people will go looking for other scripts that are somewhat like the success. Perhaps you can get your movie made then.
Jack Danya Kemplin March 12, 2011 @02:00 am
I always saw Chi-Chan in my mind as being more like Bia Ling, or Asian in some way. But do not worry Voltaire, even though they got the actress you have been wanting, perhaps this will still lead to good things, perhaps now they will give Chi-Chan a chance, & who knows, maybe Emily will want to do another film like this again & maybe you will also get her, or maybe some new & wonderful unknown who can then thank you for kickstarting her career :) .
Christina Leeds Ciampi March 12, 2011 @01:34 am
Oh, V! I feel so bad for you! If it helps I'm planning on drowning my sorrows in rum tonight too. All the cool kids are doing it!? My first shot of Captain Morgan's Tattoo will be to you, good sir. Maybe I'll drink it in diet coke with some lime in your honor. LOL <--- That sounds a bit creepier then it sounded in my head. *shrugs* -Chris
Annette M Pawli, A.M.P. March 12, 2011 @12:50 am
~sprinkles pixy dust~
Miss Lin March 12, 2011 @12:38 am
Oh woe, I've had the feeling, & it's not a good one for sure. like having the rug pulled out from under you, a grand larceny sort of feeling about which you can do nothing, & there surely isn't even any comfort in realizing how damn brilliant you are & ahead of your time because someone with bigger ways & means totally stole your brilliant idea...totally sucks! She is SO Chi~Chian! Not helping....lol. Perhaps one day it WILL come to be. Don't drown...;D
neuroplay March 12, 2011 @12:35 am
wow. I really feel for you. the Hollywood machine is a set of elitist snobs that really have no feeling for the smaller production houses, and they buy films typically to harvest their souls for creative juices, or just bury them so they never see the light of day. It makes no sense, but unless you have the connections, nothing gets made. Like Theo said, you have to break through with a more mainstream "formula" before you can option your real arthouse baby and do something you really like. Like Matt Damon said to Ben Affleck (just wait for it) in Jay and Silent Bob about the order you do pictures; if you don't do them right no one will take you seriously. This is BS, but it is the way the machine churns out the money making classics, by formula. Even worse, writers aren't usually the ones who come up with ideas for films that get made, they typically get thought up by producers, who then get the money before they even HAVE a script, because they know someone that might be interested in making some movie about Giant robots, or let's try to get this well known adaptation off the ground. Buggers, the lot of them. It's only after they have a cohesive concept that they send it off to the writers to fill in the wholes between product placements and explosions, and unless you're Michael Bay, you don't get to make those cash cows too often. Look, I'm getting long winded, but the point I am trying to make is you might be able to make some films on your own. Try to get them in cannes, it's a little soul crushing, but if you can get recognized for your short animations, I am certain you could get something on film that would win the Palm Dour and then EVERYONE will be wanting to by the rights to your films and then not make them! Bastards.
Matthew Hocking March 12, 2011 @12:32 am
Well.... that movie really WAS a Series of Unfortunate Events. The only fortunate event was Emily Browning's casting.... even Billy Connolly was badly placed there. But yes, I can certainly agree with you there.
Pirate Steve March 12, 2011 @12:31 am
Sorry to hear that. Just don't forget your floaties when you go bobbing for rum.
Mary March 12, 2011 @12:26 am
Brutal.
Neysira March 12, 2011 @12:26 am
DAMMIT! I'm sorry :(
John Chadwick March 12, 2011 @12:25 am
She caught my eye in A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS as well. I suppose it would be pointless to start listing actresses for you now, but I'm sure there's another Chi-Chian out there. Bottoms up.
sally March 12, 2011 @12:25 am
She is so adorable!!! if they made a movie about the comic Death she would be great!!! your show was awesome in cleveland!!! please come again!!!
Theo Sidle March 12, 2011 @12:23 am
I think Sucker Punch is pretty much Zack's baby. Story by, screenplay by, directed by, co-produced by... Maybe you should've made a movie with a huge blue penis first, and then Hollywood would have let you make your Chi-Chian! For what it's worth, I disagree with Browning as your choice for Chi-Chian. Chiaki Kuriyama. Trust me.

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